The Diagnosis

The Diagnosis: "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally"

From as far back as I can remember, I wanted to have a family. I never questioned whether this would be possible or not, I just assumed it would. I mean all women can get pregnant, right!? That's what our anatomy is designed to do, so I thought. I knew at least eight women who successfully conceived and gave birth to healthy babies after the age of 35. Why would I be any different?

I was a workaholic giving my time and attention to my job and my career path. I loved the fast past life of my career and being stressed out with deadlines actually made me happy. Then one day I knew it was time to switch priorities and  finally try to have a baby. When this switch occurred my entire life changed. 

Nothing can prepare a woman for that moment when she realizes that she has fertility problems. After a year of trying, I just knew. My first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) was scary, embarrassing and humbling. I knew nothing about infertility or what was about to happen or how the next year of my life would center around countless doctors visits, taking my temperature every morning, inputting data into my ovulation chart, taking lots of strange medications, giving myself shots in the stomach and crying, lots and lots of crying.

Needless to say I went through a myriad of blood tests and ultrasounds and other exams to help the RE determine my infertility problems. My results showed that I had below average follicle count (5), that my FSH levels were too high (12=diminished ovarian reserve) and that my AMH levels were extremely low (0.24=low quality eggs). As I got the diagnosis, I frantically Googled all of these numbers and found that I was in a dire situation. The RE let me know that "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally."

At that very moment I saw my hopes and dreams of having a family shatter around me. How can I escape this? There is no way that this is possible, I am a healthy female, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I have never taken a drug in my life, I haven't even smoked pot for goodness sake! How is this possible? Why is this happening to me? My internal freak out moment slowly faded and I was able to compose myself and listen to the RE's recommendations.

First step was to try some fertility medications, after that produced no results we moved onto injections and artificial insemination (IUI). With each IUI, I felt excited and hopeful as if this time had to work! I gave up exercise, caffeine, tried to reduce my stress by switching jobs, went to acupuncture...none of this mattered. Each time I saw the negative pregnancy test I cried. You would think after almost a year, it would get easier to handle, but it never got easy. Each time I got a negative pregnancy test my husband would hug me as I cried and say "It's okay my love, we will keep trying."

I would oftentimes feel alone and depressed. I did not have a single friend that was in my situation, that could understand what I was going through. When I did open up all I heard was "just relax and it will happen" or "have you thought about adoption?".  These are two phrases that you should never tell someone that is having fertility struggles. I only have 18 months to try before I run out of viable eggs, so of course I am not going to just relax and hope magically it happens!! I am going to do everything in my power to make it possible. Of course we have thought about adoption, but why would we lose hope on our dream of having a baby of our own? Why would people give up on us before we have even tried our other options? Do you know what it's like to try so hard for something that might not happen and have people tell you to just give up!? These are things I thought and never said out loud, instead I nodded my head and acted like they were being helpful.

Four unsuccessful IUI's later it was time to try something else, IVF.