The Injections

May 24, 2013
Phase II has officially begun and in full force!

I now begin every morning with four types of injections lined up on the counter, reviewing my list over and over again making sure I haven't forgotten something. As I push each needle into my belly and release the medicine I try to envision the follicles growing, but inevitably I end up holding my breathe and getting dizzy. Afterwords I review my war wounds, sometimes I hit a vein, sometimes I get a bruise and most of the time it welts up a little and then subsides within an hour. I am starting to get anxiety in the morning as I run out of injection spots. My stomach has developed hard spots from all the injections.

Added to the injections I take oral medications morning and evening and just hope that I can handle any side effects that come my way. Emotional effects are by far the worst.Yesterday I cried looking at two little babies on the airplane. I can't explain why, but sometimes just looking at cute babies is enough to send me into a brief emotional tail spin. The hard part is wondering if we will be so lucky to experience the joy of holding our own baby and taking her/him on an airplane. The little things.

We are in the stim phase for up to 2.5 weeks. I will get an ultrasound and blood work every couple of days for monitoring to make sure everything is going smoothly. If all works out, we will be able to have the eggs extracted in a couple of weeks!! We are very excited about every phase of this process and getting closer to the day when we can say "We are Pregnant!"

We want to extend a special thank you to our friends and families that are supporting us through this emotional roller coaster. We kept it a secret for awhile and only recently let people know about our IVF journey and are very thankful that we did! There is no better feeling than having support from the ones that you love. For this we are truly blessed.

So far in this journey we have learned to be patient, thoughtful and most importantly hopeful. Life gains a whole new perspective when you are fighting for something so important that your mind, body and finances don't matter anymore. All that matters is the end. The end is worth fighting for.

The Reality

The reality of the situation is very clear now, let the IVF journey begin...

When I first started this journey I told myself that I would never do IVF! It was an expensive and invasive thing to do to your body that I wanted to have nothing to do with. Well funny how quickly things change. The RE told us that moving onto IVF is the only logical next step, so here we are.

As I sit in the IVF preparation class with 10 other couples, I start to freak out. Are we really about to do this? How are we going to afford it? How can I emotionally handle it? "All of that doesn't matter right now," my husband tells me "We will find a way, we need to do this."

I took diligent notes and tried to absorb every bit of information that the nurse was giving us. I looked around the room and saw the same eagerness and worry on the other ladies faces, all of us in the same infertility boat. I took notes about the suppression stage, about the stimulation stage, notating how long each procedure would take and when different medications came into the picture. More injections, more money and more worry.

After leaving class the scheduling began again. Immediately my husband and I were scheduled for more blood work and two more doctors visits within only one weeks time. I started birth control pills, which seems completely strange when I am trying to have a baby. Apparently it helps the system relax before the next stage. Stage one = suppression has begun!

Now what? I take a birth control pill every morning, take my prenatal vitamins, Parlodel, COQ10, DHEA and folic acid every night. I had to buy one of those pill organizers so I wouldn't forget anything!

Next week I start Lupron injections, then in two weeks Gonal-F, Menopur and G-CSF injections along with Folgard, and Aspirin. 50-60 injections in two weeks, I am hoping that I don't run out of injection spots!

The Diagnosis

The Diagnosis: "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally"

From as far back as I can remember, I wanted to have a family. I never questioned whether this would be possible or not, I just assumed it would. I mean all women can get pregnant, right!? That's what our anatomy is designed to do, so I thought. I knew at least eight women who successfully conceived and gave birth to healthy babies after the age of 35. Why would I be any different?

I was a workaholic giving my time and attention to my job and my career path. I loved the fast past life of my career and being stressed out with deadlines actually made me happy. Then one day I knew it was time to switch priorities and  finally try to have a baby. When this switch occurred my entire life changed. 

Nothing can prepare a woman for that moment when she realizes that she has fertility problems. After a year of trying, I just knew. My first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) was scary, embarrassing and humbling. I knew nothing about infertility or what was about to happen or how the next year of my life would center around countless doctors visits, taking my temperature every morning, inputting data into my ovulation chart, taking lots of strange medications, giving myself shots in the stomach and crying, lots and lots of crying.

Needless to say I went through a myriad of blood tests and ultrasounds and other exams to help the RE determine my infertility problems. My results showed that I had below average follicle count (5), that my FSH levels were too high (12=diminished ovarian reserve) and that my AMH levels were extremely low (0.24=low quality eggs). As I got the diagnosis, I frantically Googled all of these numbers and found that I was in a dire situation. The RE let me know that "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally."

At that very moment I saw my hopes and dreams of having a family shatter around me. How can I escape this? There is no way that this is possible, I am a healthy female, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I have never taken a drug in my life, I haven't even smoked pot for goodness sake! How is this possible? Why is this happening to me? My internal freak out moment slowly faded and I was able to compose myself and listen to the RE's recommendations.

First step was to try some fertility medications, after that produced no results we moved onto injections and artificial insemination (IUI). With each IUI, I felt excited and hopeful as if this time had to work! I gave up exercise, caffeine, tried to reduce my stress by switching jobs, went to acupuncture...none of this mattered. Each time I saw the negative pregnancy test I cried. You would think after almost a year, it would get easier to handle, but it never got easy. Each time I got a negative pregnancy test my husband would hug me as I cried and say "It's okay my love, we will keep trying."

I would oftentimes feel alone and depressed. I did not have a single friend that was in my situation, that could understand what I was going through. When I did open up all I heard was "just relax and it will happen" or "have you thought about adoption?".  These are two phrases that you should never tell someone that is having fertility struggles. I only have 18 months to try before I run out of viable eggs, so of course I am not going to just relax and hope magically it happens!! I am going to do everything in my power to make it possible. Of course we have thought about adoption, but why would we lose hope on our dream of having a baby of our own? Why would people give up on us before we have even tried our other options? Do you know what it's like to try so hard for something that might not happen and have people tell you to just give up!? These are things I thought and never said out loud, instead I nodded my head and acted like they were being helpful.

Four unsuccessful IUI's later it was time to try something else, IVF.