August 25, 2013
We had a meeting with our RE a couple of weeks ago to try and figure out why the FET failed. He said everything looked good and I actually did have traces of HCG in my blood so he thinks I was pregnant for a bit but it didn't stick. There was no real explanation as to why it didn't work though. I was kind of excited that I was a little bit pregnant even if it was just for a short time!
Interesting thing is that I never broke down or cried of grieved over the failed cycle. I completely expected to feel horrible the weekend after we received the news, but I didn't. I knew that I could either sit around and feel sorry for myself or just keep moving on with my life and stay positive. So my husband and I stayed positive and went about our usual business and many great things happened after that!
My grandma offered to pay for the next IVF and my husbands family offered to pay for the third round!! I should also mention that my husband's company is sending us on a free week long trip to Italy the same week as our one year wedding anniversary! Certainly after every storm is a beautiful rainbow and we were lucky enough to see the rainbow and find the gold too!
Not sure how all of these miracles have come our way, but we are completely grateful and appreciative of every single thing. We are on a month break before starting IVF#2, as we will be in Italy during egg retrieval if we started this month. I am scheduled to start birth control pills on September 6th and prepare for the stimulation phase again, then egg retrieval, fertilization, freeze and embryo transfer slated to happen in November.
The RE is changing up my medication protocol slightly, he is hoping to get 10 eggs out of me this time. I already have the med schedule and it is actually A LOT less than last cycle, thank goodness! One less shot and several less oral medications. After the failed FET I ended up with horrible rashes from the progesterone shots, so I am guessing we will have to change that medication up as well.
So here we are again, waiting for the next round to begin and as excited as the first round, but less nervous because I know what to expect this time. Infertility seems to be an endless waiting game that has certainly tested my patience. Having a baby at the end will be all worth it though.
What's Next?
August 3, 2013
After the frozen embryo transfer, I spent many hours being lazy. Now being lazy for me is stressful! I kept feeling guilty for lying around the house, which was not helping the fact that I was supposed to be relaxing and having no stress. I don't recall just lying around the house this much since I was 16 years old!!
I practiced meditation, focused on a positive outcome, envisioned our little embryos implanting into my uterus, telling the embryos that I loved them, avoided caffeine and alcohol, did not work out at all, didn't even take our dog for a walk of any sort and drank as much water as possible. My husband got up early with me every morning to give me my intramuscular shots and the horrible Lovenox shots (the most painful sub-q shots I have had to take so far, the burn was torture and the bruises last for days). While I heated the area from the progesterone shots to break up the oil, I had to ice another area from the Lovenox burn. But while I was feeling the pain of the shots I kept envisioning us having little babies and somehow that got me through the morning shot routine.
As the beta test day got closer I started worrying, because I felt nothing. I did lots of research to see what day the embryos should have implanted and what day my body should start producing hcg hormones so that I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT). It seemed as most women were getting positive results at 7 days past transfer. Well I waited until 8 days past and got a Big Fat Negative (BFN). Slightly depressed I kept telling myself I still had two days before the beta test and maybe the embryos just implanted late. I kept thinking positively and hoping that we were pregnant, I mean I could not fathom what we would do if this didn't work. So the morning of beta (10 days past beta) I took an early response HPT and once again got a BFN. That was it, I knew it didn't work. I certainly know what it feels like NOT to be pregnant and that is exactly how I felt, not pregnant. Some people discouraged me from testing at home, but honestly there is no way that I could have some nurse over the phone tell me my destiny. I had to prepare myself.
8:00 AM on Friday morning I went in to get my blood drawn. I told my IVF nurse that I took a HPT and it was negative and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. She told me about how many women come in and think they are not, but they show positive on the blood test. That gave me a bit of hope, which I wish they would not do! I made an appointment with the RE for the next week anyway, just being proactive. I always am trying to prepare for what's next.
About 2:00pm on Friday, I got the call while I was at work. I have a theory that they call the positive results people earlier in the day and save the BFN's for later. So once 12:00pm passed, I knew I was in the negative category. My IVF nurse sounded sad, so I knew before she said anything. After four failed IUI's (artificial insemination) and four calls from nurses telling me I'm not pregnant, I can now tell by the sound of their voice.
"Sorry Elizabeth, you are not pregnant. You can stop taking your medications. I see that you already made an appointment with the doctor, so we will see you then. Are you okay?" I remained calm and simply said, "Yes I understand, thank you." The end.
I had to go back to my desk and pretend like my entire world did not just shatter beneath me. I let our family and friends know the results and kept working. I got teary-eyed a few times as I deleted baby photos from my phone and my desktop computer. I tried to look at pictures of babies during the process in hopes that it would make my body understand what we were working towards. Obviously my body wasn't paying attention.
Do we know why it didn't work? No. Are we now looking into adoption? Not yet. Are we okay? Sort of.
For short moments I think "we did all of that for nothing", "why doesn't God want us to have a baby?", "what did I do wrong to deserve this?", "why does everyone else get to experience having a baby, but me?, "how can I go on?" I do not let these thoughts stay long and I try to counteract them with positive thoughts and thankful thoughts of what I am blessed with. Our friends and family have been nothing but amazing and supportive during this journey and for that I am thankful. I just tell people that this is unfortunately the cards we were dealt.
So what's next? I have no idea! We meet with the doctor next Friday, where he will tell us what he thinks happened. Hopefully he will give us hope that there is still something we can do to get pregnant. My husband and I have not given up hope that we will get pregnant! So please don't give up hope for us.
After the frozen embryo transfer, I spent many hours being lazy. Now being lazy for me is stressful! I kept feeling guilty for lying around the house, which was not helping the fact that I was supposed to be relaxing and having no stress. I don't recall just lying around the house this much since I was 16 years old!!
I practiced meditation, focused on a positive outcome, envisioned our little embryos implanting into my uterus, telling the embryos that I loved them, avoided caffeine and alcohol, did not work out at all, didn't even take our dog for a walk of any sort and drank as much water as possible. My husband got up early with me every morning to give me my intramuscular shots and the horrible Lovenox shots (the most painful sub-q shots I have had to take so far, the burn was torture and the bruises last for days). While I heated the area from the progesterone shots to break up the oil, I had to ice another area from the Lovenox burn. But while I was feeling the pain of the shots I kept envisioning us having little babies and somehow that got me through the morning shot routine.
As the beta test day got closer I started worrying, because I felt nothing. I did lots of research to see what day the embryos should have implanted and what day my body should start producing hcg hormones so that I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT). It seemed as most women were getting positive results at 7 days past transfer. Well I waited until 8 days past and got a Big Fat Negative (BFN). Slightly depressed I kept telling myself I still had two days before the beta test and maybe the embryos just implanted late. I kept thinking positively and hoping that we were pregnant, I mean I could not fathom what we would do if this didn't work. So the morning of beta (10 days past beta) I took an early response HPT and once again got a BFN. That was it, I knew it didn't work. I certainly know what it feels like NOT to be pregnant and that is exactly how I felt, not pregnant. Some people discouraged me from testing at home, but honestly there is no way that I could have some nurse over the phone tell me my destiny. I had to prepare myself.
8:00 AM on Friday morning I went in to get my blood drawn. I told my IVF nurse that I took a HPT and it was negative and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. She told me about how many women come in and think they are not, but they show positive on the blood test. That gave me a bit of hope, which I wish they would not do! I made an appointment with the RE for the next week anyway, just being proactive. I always am trying to prepare for what's next.
About 2:00pm on Friday, I got the call while I was at work. I have a theory that they call the positive results people earlier in the day and save the BFN's for later. So once 12:00pm passed, I knew I was in the negative category. My IVF nurse sounded sad, so I knew before she said anything. After four failed IUI's (artificial insemination) and four calls from nurses telling me I'm not pregnant, I can now tell by the sound of their voice.
"Sorry Elizabeth, you are not pregnant. You can stop taking your medications. I see that you already made an appointment with the doctor, so we will see you then. Are you okay?" I remained calm and simply said, "Yes I understand, thank you." The end.
I had to go back to my desk and pretend like my entire world did not just shatter beneath me. I let our family and friends know the results and kept working. I got teary-eyed a few times as I deleted baby photos from my phone and my desktop computer. I tried to look at pictures of babies during the process in hopes that it would make my body understand what we were working towards. Obviously my body wasn't paying attention.
Do we know why it didn't work? No. Are we now looking into adoption? Not yet. Are we okay? Sort of.
For short moments I think "we did all of that for nothing", "why doesn't God want us to have a baby?", "what did I do wrong to deserve this?", "why does everyone else get to experience having a baby, but me?, "how can I go on?" I do not let these thoughts stay long and I try to counteract them with positive thoughts and thankful thoughts of what I am blessed with. Our friends and family have been nothing but amazing and supportive during this journey and for that I am thankful. I just tell people that this is unfortunately the cards we were dealt.
So what's next? I have no idea! We meet with the doctor next Friday, where he will tell us what he thinks happened. Hopefully he will give us hope that there is still something we can do to get pregnant. My husband and I have not given up hope that we will get pregnant! So please don't give up hope for us.
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