Christmas Blessing - We Are Pregnant!!!

December 25, 2013

I am so excited to announce that after two years of trying, four  failed IUI's,  and one failed FET...we  are  finally  pregnant!! I can't explain how happy we are for this blessing. Seven  days after transfer I got the urge to test,  so bought  a couple different kinds of pregnancy tests after work and rushed home! I made my husband hold the test afterwards because I was too nervous to look at it.  Then after a couple minutes we looked and there  was the faint blue cross... something I had never seen in real life!! I dreamt of this moment forever and thought I would cry and then be so happy.  But in reality I was freaked out and nervous and sweaty!!

I ended up taking a pregnancy test each morning until my beta.  First time going  in for a beta test and feeling confident!  Nurse called me a  little after 2:30pm. I have to say that after receiving so many calls from the fertility clinic telling me I'm not pregnant and looking at negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, I wondered if I would ever hear the words "Congratulations,  you are pregnant!" To finally hear those beautiful words,  was heavenly!!  First beta at 9dpt  was 316!   She said that was a really good  number and that it should increase 60%  every 48  hours.  So at 13dpt I got my second beta and it was 1554!!

Everyone says pregnancy  after infertility  does not seem real  until the baby actually pops out,  which I thought was ridiculous... but I am having a hard time grasping  that this is real. I have another beta on December 30 &  then my first ultrasound on January 8.  I'm hoping that when we see the heartbeat,  it will hit us that it's real!

For now, I go to acupuncture,  still take all the same meds I did during the TWW,
switched to all  natural beauty products ( no more glycolic acids for me!),  watch what I eat and pray and meditate daily!  Plus I bought a pregnancy journal and downloaded a pregnancy app too see how the baby develops week to week.

Honestly,  as I write this I feel like someone else is writing it.  Thinking back to how many other peoples IVF  blogs I've read where they get pregnant and I cry and now I'm writing mine!! Please don't pinch me if I'm dreaming, I want to live in this dream forever.

I am so grateful for the love,  positive thoughts and prayers from our friends and  family.  We could not have gotten through it without them,  for this we are  so blessed.

I can't wait to watch our babies grow!

The Embryos Have Arrived (FET #2)

December 13, 2013

So the three embryos are now resting comfortably in my uterus, hopefully finding a peaceful place to burrow and implant! Two days ago I had the transfer and the RE said everything went great. He gave us a higher success rate (68-72%) this time and a higher chance of twins (50%). I used a different acupuncturist this time (one they recommended) and he was much better than the last one. No pain, immediately calming and according to the embryologist, my uterus was much more relaxed. I had the choice between two acupuncturists  and I picked the Chinese doctor, only because he was Chinese! Feels more authentic! Hey I am half Chinese so I can think these things :)

The acupuncture session both before and immediately after the transfer was completely relaxing and put my mind elsewhere. I cried a bit as I felt the release of tension. I tried to envision a white light surrounding my uterus, as a friend was doing a prayer for us with her prayer group at that exact moment and suggested I try this vision. At one point I felt out of my body and surrounded by a loving feeling, it was a great experience. I go again on Sunday for another session.

The day after transfer my mom's friend (who is a minister) came over and did a blessing for the embryos and then we had dinner. She used to babysit me when I was little, so it was a very personal and special moment.

All things are looking up and I'm keeping a positive outlook. My mom has been cooking homemade breakfast, lunch and dinners as I enjoy the 48 hours of bed rest. I'm not really following the old wives tales this time...but I am eating more protein, drinking a lot of water, and constantly wearing socks. The acupuncturist said to keep my feet warm, as cold feet can make the uterus contract. So I figure that is an easy one to do!

Same as last time, my husband is giving me intramuscular progesterone shots and lovenox shots every morning. We are getting good at the progesterone shots (no pain and no lumps), but the lovenox just burns!! Fact is that is just how the medicine is and nothing you can do about it.

Good news is that I'm not having the emotional side effects from all the meds like last time. Although sleeping is not the best still. My worry seems to get the best of me at night. During the day though I'm getting a lot of cuddle time with my dogs, and mother-daughter time. Two days and then I go back to work, so I'm enjoying this while I can.

We find out if we are pregnant December 23, right before Christmas! We are hoping and I am praying for a holiday miracle. We are so ready to be parents! Let's hope we can celebrate Christmas with the best news ever!!

We Have Five Embryos!!

November 18, 2013

So far our embryos are doing so much better than last time!!  They retrieved six eggs,  all six were mature and all six fertilized!  By day of freeze we only lost one, due to an abnormal cell (3pn vs 2pn).  Keep in mind last time we went from six embryos to two embryos by day of freeze. We are ecstatic about the results this time!!  Three of the embryos are rated good quality and two are rated poor quality.

Ok so maybe I'm over zealous or just stupid... but I was hoping the doctor would put all of the embryos back in! I mean why not?  We've got them let's use them :)  Apparently according to guidelines you are only supposed to put in two good quality embryos to reduce the chances of high order multiples ( triplets+). Trust me I argued my point to put in all three good ones,  but to no avail.  So the doctor agreed to put in two good and one poor
embryo.  The poor embryo adds only 6%  chance,  but I will take what I can get!

December 11  is the embryo transfer date and I am counting down the days, hours and minutes!!  My mom is coming to stay with me during the couch rest days and I plan to just relax and enjoy the time off of work. Last time I stressed way to much, I mean constantly worrying about the embryos and  if they implanted,  how I was eating,  was I getting up too much,  did I sleep enough, etc.  This  time I am wiser and just look forward to December 11,  when I will happily be PUPO (pregnant  until  proven  otherwise).

Stim Phase...Again...

October 15, 2013

Well I am gearing up for IVF #2! Started the Stim phase six days ago and I had my first monitoring ultrasound today. I am taking three shots in the belly, one less than last time, but still following the long Lupron protocol (RE took out Menopur, he thinks it was causing my LH levels to be too high). I found that taking the shots at first was really difficult this time. I had some sort of mental block up about it. My body remembered the last round and was kind of like "ummm why are we doing this again?" My husband starting giving me the shots, which got him more involved in the process and also took the stress off of me mentally!

At my ultrasound today, good news was that I had no cysts! Last cycle I had a big remaining cyst. However, I only had five follicles today there were big enough to measure (5mm +). I can't remember how many follicles I had last time at this point, so not sure if that is good or bad. I know for women with my condition (DOR) it is pretty good. We will know in the next week if they are growing. In two days I go back for another ultrasound and more blood work. I keep praying that these follicles grow and that we have more to choose from this time around.

Once again we are super blessed to be in this situation to even have another chance at getting pregnant! So when people ask me "How can you go through this again?", this is what I say:  "I am so lucky to go through this actually!"

Nothing is more powerful than the hope that this will work.

Ready for Round TWO

August 25, 2013

We had a meeting with our RE a couple of weeks ago to try and figure out why the FET failed. He said everything looked good and I actually did have traces of HCG in my blood so he thinks I was pregnant for a bit but it didn't stick. There was no real explanation as to why it didn't work though. I was kind of excited that I was a little bit pregnant even if it was just for a short time!

Interesting thing is that I never broke down or cried of grieved over the failed cycle. I completely expected to feel horrible the weekend after we received the news, but I didn't. I knew that I could either sit around and feel sorry for myself or just keep moving on with my life and stay positive. So my husband and I stayed positive and went about our usual business and many great things happened after that!

My grandma offered to pay for the next IVF and my husbands family offered to pay for the third round!! I should also mention that my husband's company is sending us on a free week long trip to Italy the same week as our one year wedding anniversary! Certainly after every storm is a beautiful rainbow and we were lucky enough to see the rainbow and find the gold too!

Not sure how all of these miracles have come our way, but we are completely grateful and appreciative of every single thing. We are on a month break before starting IVF#2, as we will be in Italy during egg retrieval if we started this month. I am scheduled to start birth control pills on September 6th and prepare for the stimulation phase again, then egg retrieval, fertilization, freeze and embryo transfer slated to happen in November.

The RE is changing up my medication protocol slightly, he is hoping to get 10 eggs out of me this time. I already have the med schedule and it is actually A LOT less than last cycle, thank goodness! One less shot and several less oral medications. After the failed FET I ended up with horrible rashes from the progesterone shots, so I am guessing we will have to change that medication up as well.

So here we are again, waiting for the next round to begin and as excited as the first round, but less nervous because I know what to expect this time. Infertility seems to be an endless waiting game that has certainly tested my patience. Having a baby at the end will be all worth it though.

What's Next?

August 3, 2013

After the frozen embryo transfer, I spent many hours being lazy. Now being lazy for me is stressful! I kept feeling guilty for lying around the house, which was not helping the fact that I was supposed to be relaxing and having no stress. I don't recall just lying around the house this much since I was 16 years old!!

I practiced meditation, focused on a positive outcome, envisioned our little embryos implanting into my uterus, telling the embryos that I loved them, avoided caffeine and alcohol, did not work out at all, didn't even take our dog for a walk of any sort and drank as much water as possible. My husband got up early with me every morning to give me my intramuscular shots and the horrible Lovenox shots (the most painful sub-q shots I have had to take so far, the burn was torture and the bruises last for days). While I heated the area from the progesterone shots to break up the oil, I had to ice another area from the Lovenox burn. But while I was feeling the pain of the shots I kept envisioning us having little babies and somehow that got me through the morning shot routine.

As the beta test day got closer I started worrying, because I felt nothing. I did lots of research to see what day the embryos should have implanted and what day my body should start producing hcg hormones so that I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT). It seemed as most women were getting positive results at 7 days past transfer. Well I waited until 8 days past and got a Big Fat Negative (BFN). Slightly depressed I kept telling myself I still had two days before the beta test and maybe the embryos just implanted late. I kept thinking positively and hoping that we were pregnant, I mean I could not fathom what we would do if this didn't work. So the morning of beta (10 days past beta) I took an early response HPT and once again got a BFN. That was it, I knew it didn't work. I certainly know what it feels like NOT to be pregnant and that is exactly how I felt, not pregnant. Some people discouraged me from testing at home, but honestly there is no way that I could have some nurse over the phone tell me my destiny. I had to prepare myself.

8:00 AM on Friday morning I went in to get my blood drawn. I told my IVF nurse that I took a HPT and it was negative and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. She told me about how many women come in and think they are not, but they show positive on the blood test. That gave me a bit of hope, which I wish they would not do! I made an appointment with the RE for the next week anyway, just being proactive. I always am trying to prepare for what's next.

About 2:00pm on Friday, I got the call while I was at work. I have a theory that they call the positive results people earlier in the day and save the BFN's for later. So once 12:00pm passed, I knew I was in the negative category. My IVF nurse sounded sad, so I knew before she said anything. After four failed IUI's (artificial insemination) and four calls from nurses telling me I'm not pregnant, I can now tell by the sound of their voice.
"Sorry Elizabeth, you are not pregnant. You can stop taking your medications. I see that you already made an appointment with the doctor, so we will see you then. Are you okay?" I remained calm and simply said, "Yes I understand, thank you." The end.

I had to go back to my desk and pretend like my entire world did not just shatter beneath me. I let our family and friends know the results and kept working. I got teary-eyed a few times as I deleted baby photos from my phone and my desktop computer. I tried to look at pictures of babies during the process in hopes that it would make my body understand what we were working towards. Obviously my body wasn't paying attention.

Do we know why it didn't work? No. Are we now looking into adoption? Not yet. Are we okay? Sort of.

For short moments I think "we did all of that for nothing", "why doesn't God want us to have a baby?", "what did I do wrong to deserve this?", "why does everyone else get to experience having a baby, but me?, "how can I go on?" I do not let these thoughts stay long and I try to counteract them with positive thoughts and thankful thoughts of what I am blessed with. Our friends and family have been nothing but amazing and supportive during this journey and for that I am thankful. I just tell people that this is unfortunately the cards we were dealt.

So what's next? I have no idea! We meet with the doctor next Friday, where he will tell us what he thinks happened. Hopefully he will give us hope that there is still something we can do to get pregnant. My husband and I have not given up hope that we will get pregnant! So please don't give up hope for us.

Embryo Transfer Complete

July 24, 2013

There has been quite a lot of build up for this day and I must say that I didn't handle it that well! I am generally a stressed out person anyway, when others find no reason to stress, I will find 50 reasons. So this whole process has put my stress levels to the test! I haven't slept in five nights and I am hoping my insomnia doesn't affect our chances. Oh and the on and off crying has continued, as I try to stay positive while at the same time balance the risk of this not working. A horribly careful balance that I have not conquered.


The embryo transfer procedure took place yesterday (Tuesday, July 23). We arrived at 10:30 am for acupuncture, as there have been a lot of great studies about the benefits of acupuncture directly before and after embryo transfer. I was on such high alert that the acupuncture needles actually hurt a lot and she said I was "sensitive". Of course I am sensitive, my entire life and our dreams of having a family is riding on this one day! Okay a little bit dramatic I know! After calming my mind with acupuncture I went directly to the surgery center.

Did I mention that you have to have a completely full bladder for embryo transfer? So while I was getting into the hospital gown, putting on a hair net and paper shoes, all I wanted to do was take a seat on the toilet and let out the urine I had been holding in for an hour!! The embryologist came in first and gave us the good news that BOTH our embryos had survived the thaw (One is a 4-day morula and one is a 5-day early blastocyst). I cheered every so slightly as not to disturb my full bladder with too much motion. The nurses put my legs in the straps and the the doctor (reproductive endocrinologist RE) came in and told us what was about to happen. As one nurse pushed on my belly to get a good ultrasound view (that is what guides the RE to put the embryos in the right spot) the RE put the catheter in to try and get the best placement for the embryos. Because of my severely tilted uterus, he was not successful for the test run and had to put another metal device in me and straighten some things out. This was quite painful! The pinching feeling mixed with the need to urinate, was really uncomfortable! But I kept staring at the screen waiting to see the embryos go in so that I could find joy in this procedure!

Soon there they were, two little white things, our embryos made their first appearance and it was a magical moment. The RE got them in the perfect spot and he was quite pleased with the location and then told us our new statistics based on the procedure. He said that we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant and a 35% chance of having twins. Here is the first photo of our embryos:

So once again we wait! August 2 I will go in for a beta test to check for hcg levels. For now I am on "couch rest" for 48 hours and then I took the rest of the week off from work to try and relax. Of course that is almost impossible for me. My wonderful husband has taken 2 days off of work to cook for me, bring me things and take care of me, as I am just supposed to sit around and only get up to use the restroom. Not a bad gig and I am enjoying it while I can! 

In the meantime my husband gives me the progesterone intramuscular shots every morning and now the Lovenox shots. The progesterone shots are a hassle, as you have to heat the injection area afterwards and massage and walk around so that you don't get hard lumps and clumps and muscle pain. The muscle pain can be horrible as your tissue tries to recover you shoot into it again the next day, I've got some tricks I learned from the internet that help! The Lovenox shot burns like crazy immediately afterwards. But what I have learned is that I can handle almost any type of pain that comes my way! Bring it on!

As we wait I try to focus on the embryos implanting and growing, I talk to them and I am saying positive affirmations daily. Not sure what else to do at this point, what is going to happen will happen.