My twins are almost two!

No words can adequately describe this journey. The heartbreak, the joy, and the sheer exhaustion. Jefferson and Jackson are almost 2-years-old now and it's been the best time of my life. I still look at them and can't believe they are mine. I sometimes just stare at them until they say "mommy" and I realize this is real. They are mine and they are real.

The shots, the bruises, the medication, and the heartache after every negative pregnancy test is now a distant memory. My life is now filled with little smiles, dirty toddler laundry, and lots of giggles.

I am thankful for my life, my boys, and this journey...

Two Boys!

We have confirmed that our twins are two little boys! We are very excited about the news and have begun trying to figure out names! I must say that this pregnancy has been pretty great. I expected morning sickness, constant discomfort, constipation, skin breakouts....but luckily I  have had minimum symptoms.

Maybe my body has been prepped for the influx of hormones due to all of the IVF medications that I was on. I already flooded my body with synthetic forms of estrogen and progesterone and HCG trigger shots, so perhaps my babies production of these hormones didn't impact me? Whatever the reason I am very very thankful. I do have dry skin, some nausea and discomfort from my belly skin stretching out. But honestly that is nothing compared to what many women pregnant with twins have!

We have told friends, family AND Facebook about the pregnancy! So it must be real now! I am still in awe of this entire process. To see the babies growing and moving is completely amazing to me and there are times that I don't believe it is real - STILL! And I am now 15.5 weeks pregnant.

What is neat is that the babies already have their own little personalities. Baby A - I call him the wild one. He is always dancing and moving around, kicking and punching in the ultrasounds. I even saw him playing with his tongue and trying to interact with his brother. Baby B - I call him the peaceful one. Last  ultrasound it looked like he was praying! Always calm, with subtle movements and he likes to turn away from the noise of the ultrasound.

Hard to really complain about pregnancy when you've tried so hard to get here! I just try to appreciate every moment, knowing they will be here before we know it and will have a new set of challenges and joys. My day revolves around making sure I eat enough of the right foods and drink enough water to keep the babies nourished. I pack a huge lunch bag of snacks to work each day and I now eat for purpose instead of pleasure! As my body changes shape, I get more excited about the big day! Hoping we make the full 38 weeks and deliver mid-August! Can't wait to meet our little boys!

We're Having Twins!

We are having twins!!  Saw the two little babies for the first time at 6.5  weeks and have seen them every week since.  Heard their hearts  beating several times now and there is no greater joy than that!

I am now what they consider 10  weeks pregnant and counting down the days to the second trimester.  Today I graduated from the fertility clinic and officially can move on to a regular OB!  Today the twins were wiggling around and it was amazing to see their arms and legs  moving around! I am in complete awe of this process.

I feel so lucky to have no morning sickness,  just lots of nausea. I had to change my eating habits completely,  wear sea bands and  eat only small portions at a time.  I hate drinking water,  but for the twins I drink as much as I can stand. I cannot complain about  it though,  because I feel truly blessed  to even be pregnant.

I am two days away from finishing PIO  shots!  That will be a true day of celebration!  I look back on all the meds and procedures and heartbreak... and it's all been worth it. The end result of being pregnant takes away the sorrow of two years of struggles.

 Life is good!!

Christmas Blessing - We Are Pregnant!!!

December 25, 2013

I am so excited to announce that after two years of trying, four  failed IUI's,  and one failed FET...we  are  finally  pregnant!! I can't explain how happy we are for this blessing. Seven  days after transfer I got the urge to test,  so bought  a couple different kinds of pregnancy tests after work and rushed home! I made my husband hold the test afterwards because I was too nervous to look at it.  Then after a couple minutes we looked and there  was the faint blue cross... something I had never seen in real life!! I dreamt of this moment forever and thought I would cry and then be so happy.  But in reality I was freaked out and nervous and sweaty!!

I ended up taking a pregnancy test each morning until my beta.  First time going  in for a beta test and feeling confident!  Nurse called me a  little after 2:30pm. I have to say that after receiving so many calls from the fertility clinic telling me I'm not pregnant and looking at negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, I wondered if I would ever hear the words "Congratulations,  you are pregnant!" To finally hear those beautiful words,  was heavenly!!  First beta at 9dpt  was 316!   She said that was a really good  number and that it should increase 60%  every 48  hours.  So at 13dpt I got my second beta and it was 1554!!

Everyone says pregnancy  after infertility  does not seem real  until the baby actually pops out,  which I thought was ridiculous... but I am having a hard time grasping  that this is real. I have another beta on December 30 &  then my first ultrasound on January 8.  I'm hoping that when we see the heartbeat,  it will hit us that it's real!

For now, I go to acupuncture,  still take all the same meds I did during the TWW,
switched to all  natural beauty products ( no more glycolic acids for me!),  watch what I eat and pray and meditate daily!  Plus I bought a pregnancy journal and downloaded a pregnancy app too see how the baby develops week to week.

Honestly,  as I write this I feel like someone else is writing it.  Thinking back to how many other peoples IVF  blogs I've read where they get pregnant and I cry and now I'm writing mine!! Please don't pinch me if I'm dreaming, I want to live in this dream forever.

I am so grateful for the love,  positive thoughts and prayers from our friends and  family.  We could not have gotten through it without them,  for this we are  so blessed.

I can't wait to watch our babies grow!

The Embryos Have Arrived (FET #2)

December 13, 2013

So the three embryos are now resting comfortably in my uterus, hopefully finding a peaceful place to burrow and implant! Two days ago I had the transfer and the RE said everything went great. He gave us a higher success rate (68-72%) this time and a higher chance of twins (50%). I used a different acupuncturist this time (one they recommended) and he was much better than the last one. No pain, immediately calming and according to the embryologist, my uterus was much more relaxed. I had the choice between two acupuncturists  and I picked the Chinese doctor, only because he was Chinese! Feels more authentic! Hey I am half Chinese so I can think these things :)

The acupuncture session both before and immediately after the transfer was completely relaxing and put my mind elsewhere. I cried a bit as I felt the release of tension. I tried to envision a white light surrounding my uterus, as a friend was doing a prayer for us with her prayer group at that exact moment and suggested I try this vision. At one point I felt out of my body and surrounded by a loving feeling, it was a great experience. I go again on Sunday for another session.

The day after transfer my mom's friend (who is a minister) came over and did a blessing for the embryos and then we had dinner. She used to babysit me when I was little, so it was a very personal and special moment.

All things are looking up and I'm keeping a positive outlook. My mom has been cooking homemade breakfast, lunch and dinners as I enjoy the 48 hours of bed rest. I'm not really following the old wives tales this time...but I am eating more protein, drinking a lot of water, and constantly wearing socks. The acupuncturist said to keep my feet warm, as cold feet can make the uterus contract. So I figure that is an easy one to do!

Same as last time, my husband is giving me intramuscular progesterone shots and lovenox shots every morning. We are getting good at the progesterone shots (no pain and no lumps), but the lovenox just burns!! Fact is that is just how the medicine is and nothing you can do about it.

Good news is that I'm not having the emotional side effects from all the meds like last time. Although sleeping is not the best still. My worry seems to get the best of me at night. During the day though I'm getting a lot of cuddle time with my dogs, and mother-daughter time. Two days and then I go back to work, so I'm enjoying this while I can.

We find out if we are pregnant December 23, right before Christmas! We are hoping and I am praying for a holiday miracle. We are so ready to be parents! Let's hope we can celebrate Christmas with the best news ever!!

We Have Five Embryos!!

November 18, 2013

So far our embryos are doing so much better than last time!!  They retrieved six eggs,  all six were mature and all six fertilized!  By day of freeze we only lost one, due to an abnormal cell (3pn vs 2pn).  Keep in mind last time we went from six embryos to two embryos by day of freeze. We are ecstatic about the results this time!!  Three of the embryos are rated good quality and two are rated poor quality.

Ok so maybe I'm over zealous or just stupid... but I was hoping the doctor would put all of the embryos back in! I mean why not?  We've got them let's use them :)  Apparently according to guidelines you are only supposed to put in two good quality embryos to reduce the chances of high order multiples ( triplets+). Trust me I argued my point to put in all three good ones,  but to no avail.  So the doctor agreed to put in two good and one poor
embryo.  The poor embryo adds only 6%  chance,  but I will take what I can get!

December 11  is the embryo transfer date and I am counting down the days, hours and minutes!!  My mom is coming to stay with me during the couch rest days and I plan to just relax and enjoy the time off of work. Last time I stressed way to much, I mean constantly worrying about the embryos and  if they implanted,  how I was eating,  was I getting up too much,  did I sleep enough, etc.  This  time I am wiser and just look forward to December 11,  when I will happily be PUPO (pregnant  until  proven  otherwise).

Stim Phase...Again...

October 15, 2013

Well I am gearing up for IVF #2! Started the Stim phase six days ago and I had my first monitoring ultrasound today. I am taking three shots in the belly, one less than last time, but still following the long Lupron protocol (RE took out Menopur, he thinks it was causing my LH levels to be too high). I found that taking the shots at first was really difficult this time. I had some sort of mental block up about it. My body remembered the last round and was kind of like "ummm why are we doing this again?" My husband starting giving me the shots, which got him more involved in the process and also took the stress off of me mentally!

At my ultrasound today, good news was that I had no cysts! Last cycle I had a big remaining cyst. However, I only had five follicles today there were big enough to measure (5mm +). I can't remember how many follicles I had last time at this point, so not sure if that is good or bad. I know for women with my condition (DOR) it is pretty good. We will know in the next week if they are growing. In two days I go back for another ultrasound and more blood work. I keep praying that these follicles grow and that we have more to choose from this time around.

Once again we are super blessed to be in this situation to even have another chance at getting pregnant! So when people ask me "How can you go through this again?", this is what I say:  "I am so lucky to go through this actually!"

Nothing is more powerful than the hope that this will work.

Ready for Round TWO

August 25, 2013

We had a meeting with our RE a couple of weeks ago to try and figure out why the FET failed. He said everything looked good and I actually did have traces of HCG in my blood so he thinks I was pregnant for a bit but it didn't stick. There was no real explanation as to why it didn't work though. I was kind of excited that I was a little bit pregnant even if it was just for a short time!

Interesting thing is that I never broke down or cried of grieved over the failed cycle. I completely expected to feel horrible the weekend after we received the news, but I didn't. I knew that I could either sit around and feel sorry for myself or just keep moving on with my life and stay positive. So my husband and I stayed positive and went about our usual business and many great things happened after that!

My grandma offered to pay for the next IVF and my husbands family offered to pay for the third round!! I should also mention that my husband's company is sending us on a free week long trip to Italy the same week as our one year wedding anniversary! Certainly after every storm is a beautiful rainbow and we were lucky enough to see the rainbow and find the gold too!

Not sure how all of these miracles have come our way, but we are completely grateful and appreciative of every single thing. We are on a month break before starting IVF#2, as we will be in Italy during egg retrieval if we started this month. I am scheduled to start birth control pills on September 6th and prepare for the stimulation phase again, then egg retrieval, fertilization, freeze and embryo transfer slated to happen in November.

The RE is changing up my medication protocol slightly, he is hoping to get 10 eggs out of me this time. I already have the med schedule and it is actually A LOT less than last cycle, thank goodness! One less shot and several less oral medications. After the failed FET I ended up with horrible rashes from the progesterone shots, so I am guessing we will have to change that medication up as well.

So here we are again, waiting for the next round to begin and as excited as the first round, but less nervous because I know what to expect this time. Infertility seems to be an endless waiting game that has certainly tested my patience. Having a baby at the end will be all worth it though.

What's Next?

August 3, 2013

After the frozen embryo transfer, I spent many hours being lazy. Now being lazy for me is stressful! I kept feeling guilty for lying around the house, which was not helping the fact that I was supposed to be relaxing and having no stress. I don't recall just lying around the house this much since I was 16 years old!!

I practiced meditation, focused on a positive outcome, envisioned our little embryos implanting into my uterus, telling the embryos that I loved them, avoided caffeine and alcohol, did not work out at all, didn't even take our dog for a walk of any sort and drank as much water as possible. My husband got up early with me every morning to give me my intramuscular shots and the horrible Lovenox shots (the most painful sub-q shots I have had to take so far, the burn was torture and the bruises last for days). While I heated the area from the progesterone shots to break up the oil, I had to ice another area from the Lovenox burn. But while I was feeling the pain of the shots I kept envisioning us having little babies and somehow that got me through the morning shot routine.

As the beta test day got closer I started worrying, because I felt nothing. I did lots of research to see what day the embryos should have implanted and what day my body should start producing hcg hormones so that I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT). It seemed as most women were getting positive results at 7 days past transfer. Well I waited until 8 days past and got a Big Fat Negative (BFN). Slightly depressed I kept telling myself I still had two days before the beta test and maybe the embryos just implanted late. I kept thinking positively and hoping that we were pregnant, I mean I could not fathom what we would do if this didn't work. So the morning of beta (10 days past beta) I took an early response HPT and once again got a BFN. That was it, I knew it didn't work. I certainly know what it feels like NOT to be pregnant and that is exactly how I felt, not pregnant. Some people discouraged me from testing at home, but honestly there is no way that I could have some nurse over the phone tell me my destiny. I had to prepare myself.

8:00 AM on Friday morning I went in to get my blood drawn. I told my IVF nurse that I took a HPT and it was negative and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. She told me about how many women come in and think they are not, but they show positive on the blood test. That gave me a bit of hope, which I wish they would not do! I made an appointment with the RE for the next week anyway, just being proactive. I always am trying to prepare for what's next.

About 2:00pm on Friday, I got the call while I was at work. I have a theory that they call the positive results people earlier in the day and save the BFN's for later. So once 12:00pm passed, I knew I was in the negative category. My IVF nurse sounded sad, so I knew before she said anything. After four failed IUI's (artificial insemination) and four calls from nurses telling me I'm not pregnant, I can now tell by the sound of their voice.
"Sorry Elizabeth, you are not pregnant. You can stop taking your medications. I see that you already made an appointment with the doctor, so we will see you then. Are you okay?" I remained calm and simply said, "Yes I understand, thank you." The end.

I had to go back to my desk and pretend like my entire world did not just shatter beneath me. I let our family and friends know the results and kept working. I got teary-eyed a few times as I deleted baby photos from my phone and my desktop computer. I tried to look at pictures of babies during the process in hopes that it would make my body understand what we were working towards. Obviously my body wasn't paying attention.

Do we know why it didn't work? No. Are we now looking into adoption? Not yet. Are we okay? Sort of.

For short moments I think "we did all of that for nothing", "why doesn't God want us to have a baby?", "what did I do wrong to deserve this?", "why does everyone else get to experience having a baby, but me?, "how can I go on?" I do not let these thoughts stay long and I try to counteract them with positive thoughts and thankful thoughts of what I am blessed with. Our friends and family have been nothing but amazing and supportive during this journey and for that I am thankful. I just tell people that this is unfortunately the cards we were dealt.

So what's next? I have no idea! We meet with the doctor next Friday, where he will tell us what he thinks happened. Hopefully he will give us hope that there is still something we can do to get pregnant. My husband and I have not given up hope that we will get pregnant! So please don't give up hope for us.

Embryo Transfer Complete

July 24, 2013

There has been quite a lot of build up for this day and I must say that I didn't handle it that well! I am generally a stressed out person anyway, when others find no reason to stress, I will find 50 reasons. So this whole process has put my stress levels to the test! I haven't slept in five nights and I am hoping my insomnia doesn't affect our chances. Oh and the on and off crying has continued, as I try to stay positive while at the same time balance the risk of this not working. A horribly careful balance that I have not conquered.


The embryo transfer procedure took place yesterday (Tuesday, July 23). We arrived at 10:30 am for acupuncture, as there have been a lot of great studies about the benefits of acupuncture directly before and after embryo transfer. I was on such high alert that the acupuncture needles actually hurt a lot and she said I was "sensitive". Of course I am sensitive, my entire life and our dreams of having a family is riding on this one day! Okay a little bit dramatic I know! After calming my mind with acupuncture I went directly to the surgery center.

Did I mention that you have to have a completely full bladder for embryo transfer? So while I was getting into the hospital gown, putting on a hair net and paper shoes, all I wanted to do was take a seat on the toilet and let out the urine I had been holding in for an hour!! The embryologist came in first and gave us the good news that BOTH our embryos had survived the thaw (One is a 4-day morula and one is a 5-day early blastocyst). I cheered every so slightly as not to disturb my full bladder with too much motion. The nurses put my legs in the straps and the the doctor (reproductive endocrinologist RE) came in and told us what was about to happen. As one nurse pushed on my belly to get a good ultrasound view (that is what guides the RE to put the embryos in the right spot) the RE put the catheter in to try and get the best placement for the embryos. Because of my severely tilted uterus, he was not successful for the test run and had to put another metal device in me and straighten some things out. This was quite painful! The pinching feeling mixed with the need to urinate, was really uncomfortable! But I kept staring at the screen waiting to see the embryos go in so that I could find joy in this procedure!

Soon there they were, two little white things, our embryos made their first appearance and it was a magical moment. The RE got them in the perfect spot and he was quite pleased with the location and then told us our new statistics based on the procedure. He said that we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant and a 35% chance of having twins. Here is the first photo of our embryos:

So once again we wait! August 2 I will go in for a beta test to check for hcg levels. For now I am on "couch rest" for 48 hours and then I took the rest of the week off from work to try and relax. Of course that is almost impossible for me. My wonderful husband has taken 2 days off of work to cook for me, bring me things and take care of me, as I am just supposed to sit around and only get up to use the restroom. Not a bad gig and I am enjoying it while I can! 

In the meantime my husband gives me the progesterone intramuscular shots every morning and now the Lovenox shots. The progesterone shots are a hassle, as you have to heat the injection area afterwards and massage and walk around so that you don't get hard lumps and clumps and muscle pain. The muscle pain can be horrible as your tissue tries to recover you shoot into it again the next day, I've got some tricks I learned from the internet that help! The Lovenox shot burns like crazy immediately afterwards. But what I have learned is that I can handle almost any type of pain that comes my way! Bring it on!

As we wait I try to focus on the embryos implanting and growing, I talk to them and I am saying positive affirmations daily. Not sure what else to do at this point, what is going to happen will happen.

FET is almost here

July 2, 2013

We are now three weeks away from FET - July 23rd!! I cannot explain how excited we are to have our little embryos back! Of course this joy and excitement is buffered with the medication schedule below that is really scary.

Back to a couple shots a day plus lots of estrogen, progesterone and some steroids thrown into the mix, nothing I can't handle. At this point the RE is preparing my body for embryo transfer, shutting down the ovaries and building up my lining.

I should mention I have gained 10 pounds during the FET process. Coming from someone that used to freak out if I gained 1 pound, this has been a struggle for me. Having worked out since I was 16 years old, the inability to do the types of work outs that my body is accustomed to has resulted in some lovely bumps and lumps that I have never seen before! Just another side effect of this trying to conceive journey. To mentally get past the weight gain, I have to keep the bigger picture and our goal in mind. After all once we get pregnant the weight will just keep coming and I will be so happy for it!

I am overcome with pregnancies and babies surrounding me (friends, co-workers, family members), so hopefully it is a sign of things to come. I have fallen into some pretty strange old wives tales, thinking that "why not". Things like just being around other pregnant women will make your body think it is supposed to become pregnant. Looking at pictures of pregnant women and little babies will also help my mind understand what I am trying to do! YES - I know, strange, crazy, outlandish...but for me I am trying everything...just in case. For a period of time I even slept with a new package of baby diapers under my bed! Oh and I tried baby bibs under the pillow too!

We are patiently counting down the days, keeping hopeful thoughts in our minds and eagerly anticipating the day when our two little embryos will be back home. Until then I will keep up with the old wives tales, you just never know what little miracle will do the trick.

Egg Retrieval

June 7, 2013

I had egg retrieval yesterday (June 6) morning and woke up today at 2am with the  most excruciating pain I have ever felt! I felt like my insides were rupturing. All of a sudden I was drenched in cold sweats and ready to vomit. I grabbed my pillow and sat on the bathroom floor waiting for the  inevitable.

Let me rewind a bit!  My husband and I were at the surgery office  yesterday at 6:45am excited to see how many  good eggs we were about to retrieve.  I don't get nervous for these outpatient procedures anymore,  as I feel like a pro now. The first nurse that tried to insert the needle for the IV into my left hand, missed the vein and all I could feel was the needle dragging under my skin as she pushed harder and harder.  After that I freaked out and started crying!  At  first I was crying from the pain,  then I was crying from a  deeper place not even sure I can comprehend what exactly I was crying about.  The anesthesiologist  ended up making the second IV  attempt,  this time in my right hand,  no pain!  The rest is a blur, I vaguely remember the doctor telling me that they retrieved  six eggs,  five of which looked good! We will know more this week once the eggs begin to fertilize.

So for now I sit on my bathroom floor at 3am trying to get comfortable and researching "post egg retrieval  pain",  slowly realizing that this is no joke and the pain can last up to five days  and  can be dangerous  if certain symptoms arise. Nobody at the surgery today warned me about this or maybe they did and I was too drugged up to remember!  Thank goodness for the internet! I caved in and took a Percocet,  even though I dread taking pain meds,  it seems to be cutting some of the extreme pain down to moderate pain.  Through my internet research I learned to AVOID lying on my back (prop myself up instead), to drink Gatorade and to use a heating pad on my stomach and back. The reason for the pain is that during retrieval,  they  pull out the eggs  from the follicles leaving behind poked through ovaries and the follicles that housed the eggs then become filled with fluid.  Until that resolves you will be in pain.

I would like to thank all of the women that post their experiences online to help women like me who have only a fraction of a clue about what this IVF adventure entails!

Day 12 Stim Update

June 4, 2013

I have been doing four injections a day for 12 days now and going in for ultrasounds and blood work almost every day. I look like a drug addict with track marks in my arms from all of the blood work draws. To top it off my stomach looks like a nice punching bag full of bruises and red marks. I am not going to lie and say that Phase II is what I expected, because it certainly is not. From the injection freak outs to the extreme fatigue, the past couple of weeks have been a bit rough for me. Don't get me wrong some days were a cake walk and others were a nightmare, so the good days definitely got me through the bad ones.

The good news...today we received the word that we are ready for egg retrieval!! I have six follicles in sizes ranging from 12-24 mm's, a good amount considering I have diminished ovarian reserve. Tonight I triggered with HCG shot and took another injection of Gonal-F and antibiotics to prepare for the surgery. Tomorrow is my last injection! Well until the progesterone intramuscular shots come into play, but let's not think about please! The very thought of the needle increasing by three times the size is enough to make me pass out.

Thursday (June 6, 2013) morning at 6:45am my husband and I go in for the retrieval. Later that day we will know how many "good" eggs they were able to retrieve. Then each day after that we will receive a call telling us how the embryos are doing. Hopefully they make it to 5-6 days become high quality blastocysts and we can freeze them all! Then we will wait for the frozen egg transfer next month.

Through this process I have learned that I am stronger than I think. If you would have asked me two years ago if I would be able to inject myself with a variety of hormones over 50 times in two weeks, I would have probably laughed at you and then kicked you! The strength that I've gained from this unfortunate circumstance is something that I am still trying to comprehend. Some mornings when I stand at the counter trying to push the needles into my stomach and I just can't find a good spot, I have to walk away for a second, shake it off and remember what I am doing this for. You never know what you are capable of until you are in a situation where you have no choice but to be strong. For this I am grateful.

The Injections

May 24, 2013
Phase II has officially begun and in full force!

I now begin every morning with four types of injections lined up on the counter, reviewing my list over and over again making sure I haven't forgotten something. As I push each needle into my belly and release the medicine I try to envision the follicles growing, but inevitably I end up holding my breathe and getting dizzy. Afterwords I review my war wounds, sometimes I hit a vein, sometimes I get a bruise and most of the time it welts up a little and then subsides within an hour. I am starting to get anxiety in the morning as I run out of injection spots. My stomach has developed hard spots from all the injections.

Added to the injections I take oral medications morning and evening and just hope that I can handle any side effects that come my way. Emotional effects are by far the worst.Yesterday I cried looking at two little babies on the airplane. I can't explain why, but sometimes just looking at cute babies is enough to send me into a brief emotional tail spin. The hard part is wondering if we will be so lucky to experience the joy of holding our own baby and taking her/him on an airplane. The little things.

We are in the stim phase for up to 2.5 weeks. I will get an ultrasound and blood work every couple of days for monitoring to make sure everything is going smoothly. If all works out, we will be able to have the eggs extracted in a couple of weeks!! We are very excited about every phase of this process and getting closer to the day when we can say "We are Pregnant!"

We want to extend a special thank you to our friends and families that are supporting us through this emotional roller coaster. We kept it a secret for awhile and only recently let people know about our IVF journey and are very thankful that we did! There is no better feeling than having support from the ones that you love. For this we are truly blessed.

So far in this journey we have learned to be patient, thoughtful and most importantly hopeful. Life gains a whole new perspective when you are fighting for something so important that your mind, body and finances don't matter anymore. All that matters is the end. The end is worth fighting for.

The Reality

The reality of the situation is very clear now, let the IVF journey begin...

When I first started this journey I told myself that I would never do IVF! It was an expensive and invasive thing to do to your body that I wanted to have nothing to do with. Well funny how quickly things change. The RE told us that moving onto IVF is the only logical next step, so here we are.

As I sit in the IVF preparation class with 10 other couples, I start to freak out. Are we really about to do this? How are we going to afford it? How can I emotionally handle it? "All of that doesn't matter right now," my husband tells me "We will find a way, we need to do this."

I took diligent notes and tried to absorb every bit of information that the nurse was giving us. I looked around the room and saw the same eagerness and worry on the other ladies faces, all of us in the same infertility boat. I took notes about the suppression stage, about the stimulation stage, notating how long each procedure would take and when different medications came into the picture. More injections, more money and more worry.

After leaving class the scheduling began again. Immediately my husband and I were scheduled for more blood work and two more doctors visits within only one weeks time. I started birth control pills, which seems completely strange when I am trying to have a baby. Apparently it helps the system relax before the next stage. Stage one = suppression has begun!

Now what? I take a birth control pill every morning, take my prenatal vitamins, Parlodel, COQ10, DHEA and folic acid every night. I had to buy one of those pill organizers so I wouldn't forget anything!

Next week I start Lupron injections, then in two weeks Gonal-F, Menopur and G-CSF injections along with Folgard, and Aspirin. 50-60 injections in two weeks, I am hoping that I don't run out of injection spots!

The Diagnosis

The Diagnosis: "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally"

From as far back as I can remember, I wanted to have a family. I never questioned whether this would be possible or not, I just assumed it would. I mean all women can get pregnant, right!? That's what our anatomy is designed to do, so I thought. I knew at least eight women who successfully conceived and gave birth to healthy babies after the age of 35. Why would I be any different?

I was a workaholic giving my time and attention to my job and my career path. I loved the fast past life of my career and being stressed out with deadlines actually made me happy. Then one day I knew it was time to switch priorities and  finally try to have a baby. When this switch occurred my entire life changed. 

Nothing can prepare a woman for that moment when she realizes that she has fertility problems. After a year of trying, I just knew. My first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) was scary, embarrassing and humbling. I knew nothing about infertility or what was about to happen or how the next year of my life would center around countless doctors visits, taking my temperature every morning, inputting data into my ovulation chart, taking lots of strange medications, giving myself shots in the stomach and crying, lots and lots of crying.

Needless to say I went through a myriad of blood tests and ultrasounds and other exams to help the RE determine my infertility problems. My results showed that I had below average follicle count (5), that my FSH levels were too high (12=diminished ovarian reserve) and that my AMH levels were extremely low (0.24=low quality eggs). As I got the diagnosis, I frantically Googled all of these numbers and found that I was in a dire situation. The RE let me know that "You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally."

At that very moment I saw my hopes and dreams of having a family shatter around me. How can I escape this? There is no way that this is possible, I am a healthy female, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I have never taken a drug in my life, I haven't even smoked pot for goodness sake! How is this possible? Why is this happening to me? My internal freak out moment slowly faded and I was able to compose myself and listen to the RE's recommendations.

First step was to try some fertility medications, after that produced no results we moved onto injections and artificial insemination (IUI). With each IUI, I felt excited and hopeful as if this time had to work! I gave up exercise, caffeine, tried to reduce my stress by switching jobs, went to acupuncture...none of this mattered. Each time I saw the negative pregnancy test I cried. You would think after almost a year, it would get easier to handle, but it never got easy. Each time I got a negative pregnancy test my husband would hug me as I cried and say "It's okay my love, we will keep trying."

I would oftentimes feel alone and depressed. I did not have a single friend that was in my situation, that could understand what I was going through. When I did open up all I heard was "just relax and it will happen" or "have you thought about adoption?".  These are two phrases that you should never tell someone that is having fertility struggles. I only have 18 months to try before I run out of viable eggs, so of course I am not going to just relax and hope magically it happens!! I am going to do everything in my power to make it possible. Of course we have thought about adoption, but why would we lose hope on our dream of having a baby of our own? Why would people give up on us before we have even tried our other options? Do you know what it's like to try so hard for something that might not happen and have people tell you to just give up!? These are things I thought and never said out loud, instead I nodded my head and acted like they were being helpful.

Four unsuccessful IUI's later it was time to try something else, IVF.